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How do you deal with inappropriate situations during your Au Pair stay?

The Au Pair program is a wonderful experience that can help you in many different ways. Learning a new language, meeting new people, and knowing how it is to work in a different country are just some of the advantages of becoming an Au Pair. Nevertheless, like in every aspect of life, you need to be careful and be prepared in case you are to confront inappropriate situations during your Au Pair stay. Such situations can include disrespectful behavior, boundary violations, or unwanted attention from a Host Family member—whether during the selection process or your stay. Always trust your instincts, set clear boundaries, and speak up if something feels wrong. If the behavior continues or feels unsafe, end communication or your stay, report the situation to AuPair.com and local authorities, and prioritize your safety above all.

Keep reading to find out more tips on how to deal with such situations.

What is an inappropriate situation?

First of all, we are going to define what an inappropriate situation is. We use this term as an umbrella concept for any situation that would be dangerous or disrespectful for the Au Pair in the middle or before the Au Pair stay. If a member of the Host Family or the supposed Host Family looks to have a different type of interest in you, the Au Pair experience could flip 180º and stop being the wonderful experience we wish and work for you to get. AuPair.com is not a full-service agency, but a matching website that helps connect Host Families with candidates around the world. Although our team works every day to find scammers and fraud families, it is the candidate's responsibility to make sure that the family they have come in contact with has good intentions. This is the reason why we, at AuPair.com, put so much emphasis on having a careful, slow, and safe process when choosing and meeting your Host Family. But how do you know when you are in a situation like that?

How to spot it

It can happen either online or in person and it is important to understand the signs that could alert us of situations like that.

Unprofessional behaviour

Although the Au Pair experience focuses on a candidate becoming a part of the family, it is important to understand that there are some limits and boundaries between the Host Family and the Au Pair based on respect and professionalism. After all, the Au Pair still works for the Host family and the Host Family pays them in the form of pocket money, food and shelter. These professional or respect-based boundaries are there to preserve the safety and integrity of both the Au Pair and the Host Family. If a member of this Host Family or supposed Host Family crosses these boundaries, it can be in various ways. They can demand unfair work conditions, ask the Au Pair to give up vacation days or disrespect the Au Pair’s integrity in an undesired manner. Some examples where this might manifest are verbal language, unrequired physical contact, unprecedented petitions of pictures or favours, invitations to undesirable and uncomfortable scenarios and controlling behaviour.

Erratic and confusing selection process

When speaking online with your future Host Family, the topic of the conversation is very important. The main interest your Host Family should have in you is your ability with kids, your cultural and academic background, the working conditions, the language course and the visa requirements for your arrival to the host country. The Host Family should be capable and willing to show themselves on video calls and other types of online meetings. A Host Family should not express concern about your love life , your past relationships, your physical appearance, your sexual orientation nor any other type of intimate issue that is not related to your arrival and your duties as an Au Pair. If in the selection process the Host Family keeps going back and forth between appropriate and inappropriate, that could mean a potential subject that boasts ulterior interests aside from an Au Pair or nanny. Kindly redirect the conversation, state boundaries or, in extremis, opt for ending communication with them.

Overexposition and violation of privacy

Spending quality time with your Host Family is extremely important. There is nothing wrong with watching movies or TV together, going on trips or walks, going shopping at the mall and having fun with your Host Family! We encourage you to partake in quality time with them and get to form a bond. Nevertheless, the particular insistence of a single member of the Host Family, aside from the kids, on spending time alone in the back of the rest for no reason at all might be cause for suspicion, even more, when they keep on insisting even after you set some boundaries. Violation of your safe spaces and privacy is also very serious. You should always have intimacy available for you. This, of course, does not mean being negligent in your duties as an Au Pair, you must understand that nobody in the Host Family should invade your privacy in any way.In order to spot these signs easier, you must understand what you can and can’t do as an Au Pair, and what can they do as a Host Family. Be clear and respectful when setting boundaries, yet assertive. If something is makes you feel uncomfortable, say it out loud and do not try to hide it.

I have spotted an inappropriate scenario like this, what should I do?

Before the stay

If you are still in the selection process, you should try to evaluate the situation from a standpoint of safety and careful consideration, in case you are not sure about it. Ask friends and family for their opinion, try to be assertive when speaking to them and be as professional as you can. In case of blatant disrespect and incorrect manners, please warn our customer care service about the incident with the member ID of the offender in order for us to block them and warn other candidates that contacted them about their behaviour. There are two buttons on the profile useful to block a profile and fill a complaint. Cut all communication with them and continue your search.

How to protect yourself before the stay

Organise at least 3 video calls with the Host Family
Make sure that, in those video calls, you can also talk with the children. Remember that children are honest
Ask the Host Family to tell you what your schedule as an Au Pair will be like
Define in advance your working hours, pocket money, holidays, duties and responsibilities as an Au Pair
Do not ever send money to anyone
Make sure to read your contract and spot any problematic clauses
Sign the contract before arriving in the host country
Be careful and patient in your selection process
Always ask for pictures of the house and the place you will live in. Make sure you know where you are going

During the Au Pair stay

If you are however in the middle of the stay, and you are facing an uncomfortable situation, you must also evaluate the situation from a standpoint of safety. If you feel uncomfortable or feel you are being subjected to this type of conduct by someone in the family, make it clear and state it. Clarify the situation in a respectful way, nevertheless, remember that respectful means in no way submissive. If the issue is clarified on time, you then decide if you should continue with the stay or not. In case your Host Family does not understand your discomfort or even tries to belittle it, we recommend you terminate your contract. Inform your Host Family about your decision and take the necessary steps to ensure your safety. Inform the competent authorities in your host country about your situation and make it known to the federal employment agency. Be sure to prioritise your comfort and safety at all times and consider finding a different place to stay in case the situation with your Host Family escalates and becomes unstable.

How to protect yourself during the stay

Provide your parents, friends or trusted ones with the address and contact details of your Host Family
Get the number of the local authorities and relevant federal organisations in order to secure your safety
Always be polite, but demand also politeness for yourself
Be aware of your surroundings and other people’s behaviour
In case something happens, make sure to communicate it and let it be known
Do not allow yourself to be intimidated or manipulated by anyone, know what you can do and what you cannot do
State boundaries clearly
Make sure to have enough money to be able to buy a ticket and return home in case of emergency

Conclusion

Every stay abroad is a great opportunity for growth and personal improvement, but it is important to be careful and have a plan B in case anything doesn't go as planned. Stay on your toes and do not be afraid to speak up. Remember to be militant and not let yourself be manipulated or convinced to agree on something you do not want to agree to or partake in anything that you would feel would compromise either your safety or your principles. If you follow the tips, have a plan B and go with an open mind and open eyes, everything will go well.

Stay safe!

If you are in immediate danger or need emergency help, call the emergency number of your host country. Click here to find some useful phone numbers and resources.

Do you check your users?: Yes! Although we can’t interview them personally as an online matching agency, we do our best to check as many details as possible. Nonetheless, AuPair.com follows the same rules as many other Internet communities. To ensure that you are in touch with a real, reliable person, arrange a video-call and ask about all the important details in person. If you ever feel uneasy, contact us! We will be glad to share our feedback about any user if you find him/her suspicious.

How to avoid scammers?

If you are contacted by someone who seems to be unreliable, pay attention to the following:

If there is an email address in the profile picture.
You have been asked to make a transfer through MoneyGram, Western Union, or to set up some deposit account.
You have been contacted by some agency or a lawyer. They might have sent you a visa application or sample contract.
Someone advises you to pay rent for a flat.
The Au Pair just asked you to pay for the flight ticket. Although some Au Pairs expect Host Families to help them with travel costs, there are certain rules of cost refund.
The Host Family contacts you on Facebook.

These are some of the most popular scam situations. If you encounter any of these before our administrators, or if you ever feel uneasy, please get in touch with us so we can take measures against scammers. Learn more about Au Pair scam schemes that might happen.

Is AuPair.com reliable?: Yes, we are! AuPair.com is a registered company located in Cologne, Germany. If you have any questions you can always reach us via e-mail (info@aupair.com) or phone. Since we provide customer support in different languages you can have a look at our phone numbers in different countries here.

My Au Pair stay went wrong! Can you help me?: We always recommend to have an honest conversation with your Host Family about the problems occurred and find a solution together. Most of the troubles can be solved through communication and feedback! If you can’t find a way out, you can consider contract termination. We recommend you to respect the notice period that is mentioned in your Au Pair contract. During this time both you and your Host Family can find an alternative solution. E.g. you can reactivate your profile at AuPair.com and try to find another Host Family. Be supportive to each other in any case. AuPair.com can’t help you personally in this case as we are an online matching agency with no external offices in the host countries.

How can I complain about inappropriate behaviour?: You can either send us an email to info@aupair.com or go to the user’s profile and next to “Your Memo” you’ll see three dots. Click on them and choose “Report Abuse”.

Host Family contacted me on Instagram/WhatsApp/Facebook.

It's most likely a fraud attempt. Please follow these steps to stay safe:

Never reply to Au Pairs or Host Families who contact you outside the online agency
Never send any money abroad in advance
Always arrange a video-call with your future Host Family
Always use AuPair.com to stay safe

If you are contacted by a scammer outside our platform, we cannot intervene because we know nothing about the case. Our Premium Members are constantly checked by our system, so that we can make sure they are trustworthy and the service is safe.