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Inappropriate situations and how to deal with them as an Au Pair

The Au Pair program is a wonderful experience that can help you in many different ways. People around the world enjoy and keep enjoying the benefits of participating. Learning a new language, meeting new people, and knowing how it is to work in a different country are just some of the advantages of becoming an Au Pair. Nevertheless, like in every aspect of life, you need to be careful and be prepared in case you are to confront inappropriate situations during your Au Pair stay. The AuPair.com team wants you to know how to act in this hypothetical scene.

What is an inappropriate situation?

First of all, we are going to define what an inappropriate situation is. We use this term as an umbrella concept for any situation that would be dangerous or disrespectful for the Au Pair in the middle or before the Au Pair stay. If a member of the Host Family or the supposed Host Family looks to have a different type of interest in you, the Au Pair experience could flip 180º and stop being the wonderful experience we wish and work for you to get. AuPair.com is not a full-service agency, but a matching website that helps connect Host Families with candidates around the world. Although our team works every day to find scammers and fraud families, it is the candidate's responsibility to make sure that the family they have come in contact with has good intentions. This is the reason why we, at AuPair.com, put so much emphasis on having a careful, slow, and safe process when choosing and meeting your Host Family. But how do you know when you are in a situation like that?

How to spot it

It can happen either online or in person and it is important to understand the signs that could alert us of situations like that.

Unprofessional behaviour

Although the Au Pair experience focuses on a candidate becoming a part of the family, it is important to understand that there are some limits and boundaries between the Host Family and the Au Pair based on respect and professionalism. After all, the Au Pair still works for the Host family and the Host Family pays them in the form of pocket money, food and shelter. These professional or respect-based boundaries are there to preserve the safety and integrity of both the Au Pair and the Host Family. If a member of this Host Family or supposed Host Family crosses these boundaries, it can be in various ways. They can demand unfair work conditions, ask the Au Pair to give up vacation days or disrespect the Au Pair’s integrity in an undesired manner. Some examples where this might manifest are verbal language, unrequired physical contact, unprecedented petitions of pictures or favours, invitations to undesirable and uncomfortable scenarios and controlling behaviour.
Erratic and confusing selection process

When speaking online with your future Host Family, the topic of the conversation is very important. The main interest your Host Family should have in you is your ability with kids, your cultural and academic background, the working conditions, the language course and the visa requirements for your arrival to the host country. The Host Family should be capable and willing to show themselves on video calls and other types of online meetings. A Host Family should not express concern about your love life , your past relationships, your physical appearance, your sexual orientation nor any other type of intimate issue that is not related to your arrival and your duties as an Au Pair. If in the selection process the Host Family keeps going back and forth between appropriate and inappropriate, that could mean a potential subject that boasts ulterior interests aside from an Au Pair or nanny. Kindly redirect the conversation, state boundaries or, in extremis, opt for ending communication with them.
Overexposition and violation of privacy

Spending quality time with your Host Family is extremely important. There is nothing wrong with watching movies or TV together, going on trips or walks, going shopping at the mall and having fun with your Host Family! We encourage you to partake in quality time with them and get to form a bond. Nevertheless, the particular insistence of a single member of the Host Family, aside from the kids, on spending time alone in the back of the rest for no reason at all might be cause for suspicion, even more, when they keep on insisting even after you set some boundaries. Violation of your safe spaces and privacy is also very serious. You should always have intimacy available for you. This, of course, does not mean being negligent in your duties as an Au Pair, you must understand that nobody in the Host Family should invade your privacy in any way.

In order to spot these signs easier, you must understand what you can and can’t do as an Au Pair, and what can they do as a Host Family. Be clear and respectful when setting boundaries, yet assertive. If something is makes you feel uncomfortable, say it out loud and do not try to hide it.

I have spotted an inappropriate scenario like this, what should I do?

Before the stay

If you are still in the selection process, you should try to evaluate the situation from a standpoint of safety and careful consideration, in case you are not sure about it. Ask friends and family for their opinion, try to be assertive when speaking to them and be as professional as you can. In case of blatant disrespect and incorrect manners, please warn our customer care service about the incident with the member ID of the offender in order for us to block them and warn other candidates that contacted them about their behaviour. There are two buttons on the profile useful to block a profile and fill a complaint. Cut all communication with them and continue your search.

How to protect yourself before the stay

Organise at least 3 video calls with the Host Family
Make sure that, in those video calls, you can also talk with the children. Remember that children are honest
Ask the Host Family to tell you what your schedule as an Au Pair will be like
Define in advance your working hours, pocket money, holidays, duties and responsibilities as an Au Pair
Do not ever send money to anyone
Make sure to read your contract and spot any problematic clauses
Sign the contract before arriving in the host country
Be careful and patient in your selection process
Always ask for pictures of the house and the place you will live in. Make sure you know where you are going

During the Au Pair stay

If you are however in the middle of the stay, and you are facing an uncomfortable situation, you must also evaluate the situation from a standpoint of safety. If you feel uncomfortable or feel you are being subjected to this type of conduct by someone in the family, make it clear and state it. Clarify the situation in a respectful way, nevertheless, remember that respectful means in no way submissive. If the issue is clarified on time, you then decide if you should continue with the stay or not. In case your Host Family does not understand your discomfort or even tries to belittle it, we recommend you terminate your contract. Inform your Host Family about your decision and take the necessary steps to ensure your safety. Inform the competent authorities in your host country about your situation and make it known to the federal employment agency. Be sure to prioritise your comfort and safety at all times and consider finding a different place to stay in case the situation with your Host Family escalates and becomes unstable.

How to protect yourself during the stay

Provide your parents, friends or trusted ones with the address and contact details of your Host Family
Get the number of the local authorities and relevant federal organisations in order to secure your safety
Always be polite, but demand also politeness for yourself
Be aware of your surroundings and other people’s behaviour
In case something happens, make sure to communicate it and let it be known
Do not allow yourself to be intimidated or manipulated by anyone, know what you can do and what you cannot do
State boundaries clearly
Make sure to have enough money to be able to buy a ticket and return home in case of emergency

Conclusion

Every stay abroad is a great opportunity for growth and personal improvement, but it is important to be careful and have a plan B in case anything doesn't go as planned. Stay on your toes and do not be afraid to speak up. Remember to be militant and not let yourself be manipulated or convinced to agree on something you do not want to agree to or partake in anything that you would feel would compromise either your safety or your principles. If you follow the tips, have a plan B and go with an open mind and open eyes, everything will go well.

Stay safe!

If you are in immediate danger or need emergency help, call the emergency number of your host country. Click here to find some useful phone numbers and resources.